Post Mortem
by Case13
Summary: Or a handful of odd happenings.


Nonsensical, somewhat absurd

* * *

Post Mortem.

or

A handful of odd happenings.

* * *

Shunsui and Ukitake are thought to be the oldest living captains of Gotei 13, save Yamamoto. That is, in fact not true. The second oldest 'living' shinigami is the being calling itself Kurosaki Isshin. The name Kurosaki belonged to his wife. Once however, he bore another - Yamamoto.

Isshin never got along with his father. Yamamoto was strict, straight laced, obsessed with justice and serious. Isshin was light hearted, brash and carefree. When the brash, cocky and careless Isshin acheived Bankai, becoming one fo the youngest shinigami to do so in history, he was made captain and his father welcomed him with open arms. Isshin's face might as well have been cut of stone.

It was ironic how similar the father and son looked at that moment.

* * *

Kurosaki Isshin had the unique pleasure of being the captain of three separate divisions. In chronological order, they were 3rd, 10th and the 5th, each under a different name. He deserted from each one, after his father became too strict yet again. He always returned, until the last time. Father and son don't see eye to eye to this day.

* * *

Yamamoto knew exactly that Kurosaki Ichigo would suceed when he felt his reiatsu while storming Seireitei. The name he might have never heard in his life, the zanpakuto might be outragous, but the power never lies. He didn't know if to spit fire at broken discipline and chaos or to be almost absurdly proud of his grandson as he saw the young pup breaking shingami centuries his senior apart.

* * *

Ichigo didn't know why did Unohana Retsu treat his friends, or why had she supported him later on. Nor did he know why was the 4th division so accomodating to him and his. People think it is because Unohana is nice to everybody - it is not exactly true. Unohana simply refuses to leave family. It is that simple. Like Yamamoto, she recognized the boy's reiatsu right away. Unlike Isshin, she broke the rules camly and silently, but as with Isshin - she did it to great effect.

* * *

People think that the oddest relationship award should go to Kurosaki Ichigo and Shihouin Yoruichi for their marriage. The fact that Yoruichi married Ichigo to annoy the Shihouin elders and assume the total power over Shihouin, leaving them powerless and seething notwithstanding, it had been the shortest courtship in history. It involved sake, Ichigo, a hotspring, the old training ground of theirs and Yoruichi saying:

"You know what? Let's get married."

And Ichigo answering

"Huh? What for?!"

"It will piss off the Seireitei, my family and stop Byakuya from covertly trying to kill you."

"Okay."

They did.

Though, as odd as it was, it is only third in line of many odd relationships in Seireitei.

* * *

The relationship, if it might be called that, between Hitsugaya Toshiro, Matsumoto Rangiku and Soi Fong was one that had been called 'the oddest one'. Also one that was proclaimed with one hundred percent certanity to fall apart _explosively_ once the two captains and one officer sobered up and realized that, yes, they were naked, yes, they had sex, yes, they did it while drunk.

Oddly enough, the relationship continued, if in secret, without people's knowledge.

For a time, that is.

* * *

No one knew why it worked so well. Maybe it was because of lonelines? They were alone, after all.

Hitsugaya was an obsessive workaholic with little to no private life. Soi Fong forgot what 'private life' meant long time ago and her idea of free time 'fun' was to train until she dropped. Matsumoto, for all her party girl nature felt alone in the crowd, now more than ever after Gin left.

Maybe because of betrayal?

Matsumoto was betrayed by Gin, for there was no other word for it. Soi Fong felt so bittersweet confronting her mentor and was just plain confused. Hitsugaya didn't say the word betrayal out loud, but then he stopped himself from saying many things into Momo's face because he knew once he started, he wouldn't stop until he let loose the acidic, frozen avaleanche right on the girl's soul.

It was supposed to be that one moment of forgetting, of some companionship. It ended with sex. A try of explanation, of awkward apology ended with sex again. And again. And again.

Sometime down the line, Soi Fong stopped coming by her apartament staying in Hitsugaya's and Hitsugaya stopped to grumble about the fact Matsumoto all but annexed his room.

She took the couch - he liked it, dammit!

When the children were born, one blonde, one dark haired - both pale and jade eyed, Hitsugaya just shrugged. The 4th division had to treat the largest number of patients shocked to near-heart attack that day.

* * *

Ironically, one might think that children would follow in their mother's footsteps. Nothing more wrong.

Soi Fong's daughter was fast and lithe - and those were about only traits she shared with her mother. The girl was inquisitive, cocky, loud, brash and fun loving and she called both Matsumoto and Soi Fong 'mother'. Nedless to say, it got confusing. Which was better than calling Toshiro 'old man' with a playful lilt that was all Matsumoto, Hitsugya's own smirk and the ruthlessly amused glint that was pure Soi Fong combined one one face.

Matsumoto's girl was similar to her mother in looks, sharing her father's eyes and lither build, but she was also calm, controlled and serious. She'd seem like a blond Soi Fong if not for the fact she was a hopeless action junkie, which her sister used to get her into pranks all the time during their respective childhoods.

She called Matsumoto 'mom' but Soi Fong 'mother' - unless she got drunk. Then she called her 'Soi-mama' and hugged her in a way that made Hitsugaya quite symphatetic and nostalgic at the same time. He experienced those 'hugs' and vice-like grip countless times, after all. Still did, as a matter of fact. That he was somewhat taller now didn't help a bit.

The restraint on Soi Fong's part not to use Suzumebachi on the girl would seem heroic, if not for the fact that the 2nd division captain brought the girl snacks when she was sick, smuggled her out of detention with her shunpo and played tag when the girl should have been learning or suffering her punishment. And Soi Fong would never admit it, but she loved those hugs.

* * *

Shihouin-Kurosaki Yoruichi-hime (taking the name of her husband in addition to her own to add more vitriol to the elders' ire) pulled another outrageous manouver the Shihouin/Kurosaki bloodlines were known for and presented her retainer with a three-way marriage certificate. She achieved this by creatively using the vast political infuence of her family, twisting Byakuya's arm and inticing Shunsui who simply loved the idea. Of course, it came to bite Shihouin/Kurosaki line in the ass after Ichigo and Yoruichi's son was stalked by a very determined Hitsugaya woman and her friend later on. But then, some might say it was both irony and continuance of a tradition.

Note: Yoruichi laughed very, _very_ hard. Then she learned she was pregnant. _Again._

* * *

But the first prize in the contest for the oddest romantic relationship undoubtly goes to Urahara Kisuke.

Many people wondered why did he laugh like a total loon on Yoruichi and Ichigo's wedding. After all, loosing a catch like Yoruichi? It would shock great many of people that Yoruichi and Kisuke were never - _ever_ - intimate.

They were friends, as close as one might get, but never had sex. Not that Yoruichi didn't consider it - she was a free spirit - but Kisuke said no, time and time again. It wasn't out of any sense of loyalty, fear of losing their friendship or some such. No. Urahara Kisuke already had a very special, very beautiful woman bound to him by the staunchest of threads no fate or feeling could break.

Not many knew the fact that the bloodmist shield, while quite solid and powerful, is just a first phase of the defensive part of his shikai. Or that it could be manipulated into any form immaginable.

Just as Urahara created a way to achieve Bankai in a record time, so he had created a way to achieve shikai. Only he had never shared it with anyone, since the results were... unpredictable to say the least.

Also, while many knew Benihime's 'spirit' was female not many knew just how beautiful she was, or how independent.

Benihime is beautiful, her beauty beyond that of a sharp blade, her form more graceful than any mere mortal woman. She is pure lust, pure love - she is Kisuke's companion, soul, life, and lover. Urahara Kisuke doesn't need nor want another.

Ironically, the night when Benihime had given herself to him fully is the night when Urahara was inspired to create the way to achieve bankai. It wasn't out of lust for power - it was out of love. And plenty of lust.

* * *

Uryuu Ishida is a person who is, at the same time, the happiest, and the most annoyed citizen of Seireitei. An epic hero after the war with Aizen, he was _very_ annoyed to die by simple accident in a shower scant few years later, not even out of university.

That he made it right to Seireitei, full of shinigami he really didn't like was even more annoying.

The fact he lost his Quincy abilities (being dead and all) was just plain pissing him off. The fact that, after half a year in Seireitei, he was all but kindapped by Shinigami Academy and manifested a Zanpakuto left him on a verge of nervous breakdown. That the shikai was a bow doubling as a lance didn't help it one bit.

It was probably why he asked Kurotsuchi Nemu to marry him. There was no other explanation.

Nemu doesn't say a thing, she just smiles.

* * *

Ichigo still hopes Ishida never makes connection between drawing on his power back when they were younger to fight that Gillian and his recent Shingami status.

He also sincerly hopes that Ishida doesn't notice the disturbing similarity between the moon-themed names of their zanpakuto and even more disturbing similarity of their shikai power being a blast of dense reiatsu spike.

So far, Uryuu thinks that Jougen is named for the bow curve.

* * *

It had been the second-happiest day in Byakuya's life when he learned that Ichigo had married his childhood sempai, Yoruichi.

For one, as much as he liked and respected Ichigo, the very thought of that sister-stealing, orange haired barbarian as a part of Kuchiki family was... more than he could bear.

For two, the very _thought_ of said orange haired barbarain with that oversized cleaver putting moves on _his_ sister gave him a case of severe homicidal tendencies, courtesy of his zanpakuto. Senbonzakura's constant, effiminate whining that she would _not_ allow such a delicate, beautfuil girl like Sode no Shirayuki to be manhandled by that brutish, raspy-voiced taciturn freak with no sense of fashion really didn't help.

* * *

Ichigo becoming a captain didn't surprise anyone - the boy had power in spades. Ichigo becoming a _good_ captain out of battlefield... well, that was mildly surprising. But Ichigo actually managing to not only memorize the guidlines instead of 'following his gut' but also improving some procedures... Byakuya, in his calm and collected manner, decided to become very drunk. Especially after he praised said new procedures.

* * *

No one knows how could Kurotsuchi Mayuri-taicho die so tragically. Not only to fall from the highest floor in reiatsu-intense research laboratory whole involved in a faulty kido explosion, but also managing to find a vat of the most corrosive acid known to 12th division... What a tragic accident.

Especialy afterhe had been itching to perform experiments on the most fascinating issue of Quincy becoming a shinigami after death, using Nemu as a bait. Tragic. Truly tragic. Kurotsuchi Nemu thought so as well. She had shown her mettle by bravely following through with the engagement to the ex-Quincy - "To follow with Mayuri-sama's experiments, as his worthy tool" she said.

No one dared to disagree.

The nasty bow in Ishida's hands and the serene, very Unohana and downright creepy smile on Nemu's face took care of that.

* * *

Keigo Asano was odd when he was alive - he became even odder after he died. Dying at tender age of twenty three, he was already excellent at over reacting, getting a little crazy and going off on a weirdest of tangets.

The fact that his zanpakuto was as odd as he was was to be expected. That Zanpakuto manifested the first time Keigo took an asauchi, materialized and basically said "Hey there cutie! I am Ryoura! Nice to meet you!" was just the beginning of a grand hedeache for his instructors.

Nobody expected the odd man to finish the academy early, much less get an officer assignment. But Keigo liked to surprise. Well, he'd like to do it, if he _knew_ he was doing it. Like with everything, most of Keigo's best moments came by the matter of circumstance, though he'd probably disagree.

Managing to pick up Unohana Retsu by simply walking up to her, telling her she's the single most beauiful woman he has ever met and asking her for a date he did entirely on his own, though. The fact that Unohana and Keigo are in the rather odd, if stable realtionship is something that leaves even Kurosaki-the-freaking-enigma-Ichigo stumped.

In Unohana's words. "He is such and interesting young man. Makes me feel a millenium younger. And he has such... interesting ideas."

No one asks about the details.

No one dares to.

Unohana just might tell them.

Keigo's permanent grin and Unohana's wider smile are creepy enough.

* * *

Post the war, Hanataro was faced with the situation of being one of the most eglible bachelors in Seireitei, as odd as it sounds. He is pursued by Kotetsu Kiyone, Ran'Tao, Yadomaru Lisa and several other women. It would be nice to say that it was because of his caring, understading nature that he is being chased after. Unfortunately, it isn't. Well, not completley anyway.

Hanataro's zanpakuto's shikai has two stages - one when it heals the wounds, the second when it releases what it had healed after the meter is full. Its shikai form is enough to harm Zaraki Kenpachi, but it needs to be charged, otherwise it simply heals. A troublesome weapon, but Hanataro learned to overcome the limitation.

He stabs himself.

It fills the meter right away and completes the shikai to a full and quite formidable battle form. Aside from the pain, the method has another side ffect. When used near a woman in danger in a life or death situation... Well, Hanataro already had something of a hero reputation before - he helped Ichigo and offered to stand against Byakuya. (Which Unohana made sure was very well known) and came on his own during the war with Aizen.

But a nice, if timid, young man _stabbing_ himself for a woman to save her life? Needless to say, his life became _very_ difficult.

If amusing.

Though Zaraki Kenpachi scheming to have him transferred to his division he could really do without.

* * *

It is little known fact, but Ayasegawa Yumichika is not gay. He simply has the devotion to true beauty that is just plain obssesive. It is also little known fact what that true beauty entails, according to Yumichika.

People think his eyebrow ornaments are meant to look like feathers or flames.

That is not true.

They are meant to look like twin sprouts of blood Yumichika saw when he witnessed Kenpachi cutting an opponent for the first time. Strangely enough, that opponent had been Ikkaku.

* * *

People wonder why beauty-devoted Yumichika stays with crazy, battle-obsessed and fucking _ugly_ maniac known as Kenpachi.

For Yumichika, Zaraki Kenpachi is the most beautiful person in the world. He tells them so. When they get Yumichika's answer, they stare and leave very quickly.

They never ask _why_.

For Yumichika, devotion, purity and single minded ferocity and ideals that Kenpachi displays chasing battle are what makes Zaraki beautiful.

Kurosaki Ichigo would be rather unnverved to know he had made to the short list of 'the most beautiful' a long time ago.

* * *

The little known fact, aside form 11th divison, is the one that - save for Kenpachi - Yumichika is the most savage fighter the unit has.

Even less known is the fact that Ikkaku is one of the most learned Shinigami when it comes to classic literature, even if he is a moron when it comes to anything else save combat.

Or the fact that Zarakai Kenpachi has very simple, but also very readable and damn-near caligraphic style of writing and that he likes to fill out paperwork. More - he does it well and in half the time any other captain does.

People probably would be just plain freaked if they knew that Yachiru, being taught by all three, can compose some of the most surprisingly beauitiful poems in the whole Seireitei.

Byakuya, who lost with the anonymous poet three decades running, each year, would be especially mortified.

* * *

Not many know that when Nanao and Shunsui met, she slapped him. That was their first meeting.

On their second meeting, he made her his vice captain.

With a smile.

* * *

People think Shunsui chases Nanao. It is true.

What people don't know, is that Nano quite likes to be chased nowadays and does some chasing of her own.

The first time after the confrontation with Yamamoto, Shunsui suggested she give him a 'thank you' kiss. She did.

It felt like kissing life of him and breathing it in at the same time, like going to heaven and hell simultaniously, like bankai and like wine. Then she pushed up her glasses, pointed at paperwork and said "We have job to do, sir."

That day, Shunsui did more office work in one day than he did in the past month. And he _still_ can't decipher if the satisfied smirk on Nanao's face was from the kiss, or from the dirty trick she pulled on him.

He was surprised to know that he really didn't care either way.

* * *

People think of Nanao as prim and proper. She is. People think she is prissy as well. She isn't.

There is a reason why she is vice-chairwoman to the den of the insanity incarnate known as Shinigami Women's Association, after all. Even Yachiru listens with awe when Nano speaks.

That kind of inventivelly cruel, deviously logical, sly mind is a terrible thing to waste. Where do you think Yachiru gets some of her ideas from? Afterall, one needs unspeakable amount of devious trickery to make Shunsui perform his duties.

* * *

Glossary:

Jougen: lit. new moon, first quarter of the moon.

Ryoura: lit. elaborated cloth.


End file.
